Thanksgiving...

I have spent the past few weeks seeing so many posts about gratitude and Thankfulness I almost forgot to mention mine. And on the eve of Thanksgiving, a (thankfully) rare meltown has given me a cruel reminder of just how thankful I am. Now my youngest child is extraordinarily intelligent. Not the “My Child Is An Honor Roll Student at …” intelligent, but a lesser version of “A Beautiful Mind” with better social skills kind of intelligent. But you wouldn’t have known it a year ago. See, around this time last year, we were dealing with daily meltdowns. In fact, more realistically: hourly meltdowns. And silly me, I initially fought tooth and nail against the diagnosis that ended up saving me from my hellish existence. I could try and describe to you my daily tears and hopelessness, feelings of absolute failure and resentment as a parent, the guttural nausea and ache of the heart that never goes away, but unless you have a child with Aspergers or any other behavioral disorder, you don’t get it. You will probably never get it. In fact, I HOPE you never understand it.
In addition to fighting the diagnosis (my child is perfectly fine right!?!) I likewise fought against medication. I too have heard the stories: “Overdiagnosis and medication of children,” “Parents Using Medication in Lieu of Parenting,” or perhaps “Children with Behavioral Disorders? It’s all in their Food Dummy.” I knew that I would be an even worse parent if I used medication to help me handle my out of control child. But that was until I saw the results. Do I think there is sometimes an overdiagnosis or overmedication of children? Absolutely, but until you walk in my shoes, reserve your judgment on my choices.
You have probably seen mom’s like me in the grocery store, or perhaps in the pool, and wondered why they couldn’t control an unruly child. You might even have been tempted to offer them suggestions of a change in diet, elimination of food dyes or even that they need to get more exercise. I can promise you one thing. That mom has likely tried everything. And the reason she looks so out of touch with reality, is because she likely is. She probably spends day in and day out trying to maintain her sanity and literally not pack her car and drive as far away as she can. Knowing full well it is something she could never do. We are fully aware that you think we are a horrible parent, but guess what. Unless you have had a child with a disorder like this, or are well read and trained in our particular disorder, we really don’t care what you think.
So today, upon the resurgence of those feelings of self loathing and inadequacy, I find myself surprisingly thankful. Thankful that this is no longer my daily existence and something I only deal with when there are significant changes to schedule or added chaos. I love my children more than life itself, but being able to understand them, and help them exist as well, makes me more thankful than you can possibly imagine.